Having Ears

How easy it is to be misunderstood! So often our ability to say what is really in our hearts is difficult, and then we when we do manage to iron out the words the misunderstandings still arise. Having posted an article on the Internet on the women in Islam, I expected to hear from women who disagreed with my views, but to see how others read into what one has written was enlightening.  There is nothing like seeing oneself through another’s eyes to make one wonder. For instance, one of the ladies who read my article mentioned that I was out of touch with women who are stay at home mothers. “Me?” I chuckled, having been out of the formal workforce since marriage and having generations of mother and grandmothers etc. before me having done the same. But this lady read what she expected of me, this Westerner who is critical of Islam. She accused me of finding the Muslim woman intellectually bankrupt and weak, when actually through the article I only lifted them up and was critical of Islam for making them feel belittled. Her expectations of what I was going to say altered her ability to hear me. She missed the whole point because she had her notions of what I wanted to say. She had her assumptions about who I was and therefore forgot to actually read what I said. 

"Though seeing, they do not see;  though hearing, they do not hear or understand. In them is fulfilled the prophecy of Isaiah: " 'You will be ever hearing but never understanding; you will be ever seeing but never perceiving. For this people's heart has become calloused;  they hardly hear with their ears, and they have closed their eyes.  Otherwise they might see with their eyes,  hear with their ears,  understand with their hearts and turn, and I would heal them.'” Matt 13: 13-15

This is a reminder to me in my walk not only to try and not read my own ideas into the scripture as we are all guilty of to some degree from time to time, to prove ourselves right, but also to listen to the “other” side without trying to put them in a box covered in labels. Whether it be a Muslim, a person with another political view, or just another denomination for that matter, we should be at least listening to one another. While our view may not be changed but our perspective of what we think that the other thinks might be altered. So rarely do people actually fit into the boxed labels that we put them in, we are not labels or made to go in boxes, but individuals. Just as this Muslim lady put me in a box of a Western woman who knows nothing of traditional values, so do we often readily box folks up and deafen our hearts. 

I find that as I read on Islam and the faith I can easily become angry with it, as it is so filled with darkness. I can easily find emotions rising with thinking of the actions done in it’s name against innocents that can enrage and take over. The religion is indeed filled with hypocrisy... but I have to remind myself it is not the religion that I care about but the people who stand in need because of it. It is not for me to destroy Islam, but to love the Muslim. With that as our focus Islam will crumble without an effort. But how can I love the Muslim if I don’t listen to or know him/her? If I don’t hear their cries? 

It has been my prayer that my heart would not be calloused to what what the Lord wants to share with me all along, but I am learning that I should also pray to not be calloused to hearing other’s cries. Only when we hear them, see them in their need do we begin to have compassion for them. We would seek to encourage you to also read the letters from our Muslim friends, and really look at their desires to get to know them so that you might pray for them and have compassion for their great need. The Lord wants them to hear so that they might be healed! Your prayers and support are the vital piece of this work. Your hearts that are softened to the Lord’s desire to see Muslims coming to Him are the key to their softening to listen. Pray with us for their ears to be opened and their hearts to soften to Him!

Evil Eyes

Many Muslims have a great many ancient beliefs in the spiritual world that prevailed long before Islam came into being. One of the most obvious examples is that of the belief in the “evil eye”. This belief goes back to the early civilizations, some credit the ancient Egyptians, as one of the popular icons is that of the Eye of Horis, a god that could be of protection or destruction. But the belief that we all in some way have the power to curse just by looking at someone remains within the modern Islamic world. Many modern Muslims protect themselves from this spiritual attack by wearing on their person a blue bead, or to protect their home or business one might find a blue eye bead hanging. (If you fly on Turkish Airlines, you might notice the blue eye in the plane, as a part of the decoration.) One might even give the “evil eye” to someone unknowingly! Giving compliments within the Muslim world especially to babies or small children can be tricky, as a compliment to the beauty of the baby might draw the evil eye to the innocent child and curse it. Many Muslims draw Allah into their compliments, so as to protect the child. We have known some to actually tell others they have fewer children than they do, so as to not attract the evil eye to the blessed family. Most often the evil eye is associated with envy or jealousy. Another attribute that comes with this is favor. Finding favor in someone’s eyes is a universal expression in the Semetic culture. Another expression that we will find familiar is “the apple of his eye”.  We find references to these many times in the Bible. In 1 Sam 18:9-10     “And from that time on Saul kept a jealous eye on David. The next day an evil spirit from God came forcefully upon Saul.”  We see that the jealous eye that Saul had for David certainly ended badly for Saul.

Christ said, “The eye is the lamp of the body; so then if your eye is clear, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eye is bad, your whole body will full of darkness.”  Matt 6:22-23

These references to the eye reflect the feeling that indeed the eye is the window of the soul and what the yearning of the soul will be reflected in it. The difference for the Muslim is that the power of the jealousy can influence the innocent, whereas we see that the evil of the eye infects the person who has the evil eye not the person he/she looks upon. 

Muslims believe in Jinn, or as we ritual westerners might call them genii. Which in Islam are spiritual beings who have the capacity for great evil or possible protection. There are many things done to protect oneself from the Jinn, prayers, beads, spitting, spells, and avoidance of known “evil” areas. When asking a Muslim about these things one might get a variety of answers, depending on how religious the person is, and where they grew up. But they all feel fear at risking the evil that is in such as the unknown. ‘Better safe than sorry’ is the motto for even modern Muslims. As Christians we might recognize a great many of the traits of the Jinn as demonic, but in Islam not all Jinn are evil in nature but can cause mischief and with a certain amount of cleverness one might gain power over the Jinn. (As seen in the Arabian Nights.) This is the way of many ancient people explained situations that they had no answers for in their world. (Note the root of the word Jinxed.) One never would want to attract the attention of these Jinn, thus compliments are turned away, and happy occasions require many blessings and possibly spells to keep these unknown at bay. The idea being turning away the eyes of the unknown spiritual beings who might bring harm. 

We are thankful that in Christ we have nothing to fear, as we rest in His hand. May we have compassion on those who live in the world of fear and superstitions and pray that these bonds of fear will be broken in their coming to Christ. May we in our work find favor in the eyes of our Lord so that our hands and work will be blessed in Him. 

The Killing for Honor

Honor is central to every family in the Middle East, whether they be Jewish, Christian, or Muslim. How one is perceived in the community is how one can value one’s life. Perceptions are often based on the efforts that one makes to make one appear wealthy, moral or religious. Whether the perception is accurate or not does not matter as much as how the person is perceived. The women of the family are essential foundations to how a family will be see in the community. If a woman carries herself honorably she will be honored by everyone in the community. However, she is held to a very high standard, as even a simple facial gesture can be ruin her reputation, and soil her chances to have a good marriage and future of honor in the community.

There is a custom in the Middle East, predominately in the Gulf and Holy Land regions that compels families to act in a brutal way to even those nearest and dearest to them. This custom is that of cleansing the honor of the family by killing the person who caused the shame. This dishonor can be caused by a number of “wrongs” such as premarital sex, changing of religion, adultery and even sometimes in the case of rape. The society there is one of a patriarchal tribal background, where ultimately the man of the home is responsible for all behavior that goes on with his family, both close and extended. When an offense has been done by someone of his family, he is compelled by his honor to ‘clean’ the mark from his good name in order to remain in good standing within the community. In order to do so, the only punishment that can cover for such an offense is death. While many of these deaths are brutal and bloody the preferred method is burying alive. Thus symbolizing the burial of the sin and the sinner. Unfortunately, this custom is practiced almost always on the females of the family.

For the most part this practice is generally frowned on within the government agencies all over the Middle East, but sadly the custom remains strong in all Islamic states, even in the more modern Jordan. This custom has made it’s way to the United States thru the multitudes of immigrants who have come to the States seeking a new life, but keeping their old customs. Only because of a recent attention via the media have the police agencies even begun to recognize the severity of this problem.

The need to get rid of the problem, the blemish, the stain on the honor pushes normally loving families to this extreme. This is actually an ancient custom that comes from the need to have a sacrifice to cover for a sin. Isn’t in wonderful to know that all of our sins are covered under the blood of Christ, and we have nothing to be ashamed of? “Yet I am not ashamed, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him for that day.”  2 Timothy 1:12

Abba's Love

Picture a little child, with sticky fingers, crawling into the lap of her Father, embraced without care for the mess she presents, and knowing children, likely smears on him. This to a little one, is the safest place on earth. Within the warmth and strength of her Daddy’s embrace, she has nothing to fear. She is accepted without concern about her appearance, her messes, her past wrongs, or rejection, if her Daddy is reaching for her with a smile and a kiss she has nothing in the world to think of except maybe that he might give her a tickling. To a little one, Daddy is the strongest person in the world, he can take the biggest bad guy no problem. If he puts her on his shoulders, she knows that he won’t drop her even if she tugs his hair right out. This is the confidence of a child with her Daddy. If her Daddy hears her cry in fear or pain he does not linger, but runs to her, sweeps her up in the air and fixes everything in a blink of an eye. Even to the poorest of children, their Daddy is king, and they the princes and princesses of the kingdom. No loved little child should have fears that her Daddy won’t listen to her concerns, have time to enjoy a laugh together, know her name or find her lacking. A little one should also know that Daddy has limits set for them as well, and discipline does come, but in fairness and forgiveness is given wholeheartedly. This is our Father.

Our focus on the story of the prodigal son all too often falls upon the sins of the sons, and we don’t cast a glance at the Father. This story reveals the Father heart of God like none other. The son was still a long way off when his Father spotted him. This tells us that the Father was looking for him, watching for his return, knowing that his son would eventually come to him. It doesn’t say how many evenings he looked out on the horizon longing for the boy, but it does say he was watching. The Father doesn’t wait for the boy to make it home, he picks up his robes and runs to the boy. This image is unheard of to the Easterner, where the patriarch is the example of propriety and would never be seen running to anyone! But this Father cares nothing for his image to his servants and town folk, off he goes in a run to meet his lost boy. He has compassion for him. He feels his boy’s pain, embarrassment and loss, and he fills in that ache as soon as he can. Lifting the boy into his arms with an embrace and a kiss that tell the whole world that this boy will never be less than his beloved. This is our Dad.

For the Muslim, God is not a Father. The assumption of the Christian to call upon God as a Father seems like a huge imposition to the Muslim mind. God is held too far from the Muslim, in too high reverence to dare to approach Him as a child does her daddy. While Christians also should set a great deal of respect on our Lord, we should also come to Him with the confidence of this little one, indeed we are His little ones. For a Muslim to imagine that God of the universe also wants to kiss our cheeks is quite impossible. Such is the gap between the Muslim and God. Such is our privilege as Christians to know that warm comfort. Our Father longs to see all of His children coming home. He is awaiting each of them, looking into the horizon for signs of their coming so that He might run to them, embrace them and kiss them. So also should our longing be to see our brothers coming home to Him. The Muslim has no idea that His Father is looking out in the distance for him, but He is. Pray for us to be able to share that sight with the Muslim world, the sight of the Father who will sweep His little one into His arms with a shout of delight. And pray that they will come to Him with confidence of a child knowing He delights in them.

Holy Books

When I was a small child I was taught the Bible stories that we all hear over and over again as though they are adventure myths to grow on. The story of Noah and his ark, the tale of David and the giant, Moses and his magic stick that turned to a snake, caused the river to turn to blood, brought water out of stone and so on were all tales that were great fascination to me but reality they weren’t, at least not yet. I knew them at a distance like all the stories read to me from wonderful fairy tales. They were heros from another world it seemed. 

As I grew up, reading these stories over and again I read about Moses and his people wandering about in the desert for years, and I thought I knew what that felt like, as I sat in the backseat of our little car for many long car rides wondering myself “when are we ever going to get there?”. Little did I realize that my Dad simply enjoyed the drive, taking us all along the back roads, longer routes, simply to enjoy the drive itself, while I was in the backseat thinking... “any day now”. As I got older I began to mark the landmarks to our regular locations, such as Granny’s house, the drives got shorter to my mind knowing how far we had come, helped.  Those Israelites also didn’t know that the wondering was part of the journey fun and when they marked the landmarks of how each day the Lord brought them ever closer they realized too that the journey wasn’t so far after all, since He was right along with them enjoying the walk. 

I think the women though were my favorites, I wanted girls to be heros too. I was so tired of all the boys having all the fun, I wanted to see a girl get it right. Proud of the women that Jesus met who broke the rules and yet loved more than any of the men. I grew proud to be a woman in the knowledge that women were loved, and they were there for Jesus when most men ran, and chosen to see Him risen first. Their strength in a world that did them no favors was so much more than what I ever saw in a fairy tale, these were women to be proud of. One year I got picked to be Elizabeth in our Christmas pageant, and upon getting the role, I determined to know everything there was to know about this lady, this cousin of Mary. I was a bit shocked to discover that I would have to sprinkle some powder in my hair, since I was going to be an old lady compared to Mary, but here this woman was, bravely facing a new baby with a silenced husband, and then to have the baby recognize Mary’s little one and to jump for joy at His coming. Oh, that made me long to know what being a mother would be like. Elizabeth felt John’s leaping within her, and knew that it was because Jesus was there within Mary. When I became a mother, and felt my son leap for the first time, Elizabeth came to my mind. My baby could leap all the time for joy, because Jesus lived in me. 

I learned how to read out of the Bible, practicing my sounds out of the text during the time of a sermon that was way over my head. I wanted a Bible of my very own so bad, just like everyone else had! My mom made the bargain with me that as soon as I could read a chapter, a whole chapter to her I would get my very own Bible. One day, I was able to gleefully read a whole chapter from the Bible (I picked it because I could see many words I knew right off and it had my big brother’s name and he was my hero) and thereby earn my first very own Bible. It was John chapter 1. “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning. Through him all things were made; without him nothing was made that has been made. In him was life, and that life was the light of all mankind. The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” All this made little sense to me but I got that God made it from the beginning and His Word began there. I knew by then that The Word was often used to talk about Jesus, that He was God’s Word. He was in the beginning, and His Light began our story, not the Old Testament ancient story book story alone, but the story of the right now. This baffled me a bit, as the Old Testament didn’t mention Jesus hanging out in the story, but then there He was, in the beginning. His light was shining in the dark even then. I read on to discover that indeed it was Him, “The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the one and only Son, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.”  We saw His glory, that got my attention, I had understood from the Old Testament stories that no one got to SEE God, in fact, when Moses peeked at just His backside, he got brightened by it he had to veil himself because of it. But here John was telling us he got to see Him. Oh.. I was jealous. How come John got to see His glory? It was bad enough Moses had the fun of getting a glowing face, but John got to see Him? (Somehow knowing that a person named the same name as my big brother, this somehow seemed like so typical he got to do everything first.) I struggled my way through the text, sounding out each word, and all those names, and reached the end seeing that Jesus then promised Nathanael that he would see heaven open and angels coming! I loved angels, having been named Angela, I felt a special connection with them. But finally I reached the end of the chapter and I earned my very first Bible. I was so delighted and proud of it, and with good reason, it was lovely. It was my mom’s wedding Bible, white leather outside, and a little tiny cross pull zipper that would close it up and one could even tuck a little pen inside. It had gold edging on the pages and was as pretty as I ever could have hoped for. It even had maps in the back that were blue and greens, and I marveled at all the places it would show me. Now, my big brother will tell you I ruined that Bible by underlining every word in it, with different highlighters and markers, but in my mind it was and is lovely. It was my very first personal place to read and understand the words of God. I did highlight it in every shade of color, I did mark in it and bookmark it, but only because I wanted to remember how to find what I had just read a few years down the road. I wanted it to have landmarks in it, I needed it to be mine, to belong solely to me. It would be my beginning journey, my map to finding God. 

As I began to get to know Muslims for the first time, I noted that my first Muslim friend wore a little Quran pendant around her neck, and it was lovely. I could see we had something in common, just by that little tiny book tucked into its little golden case around her neck. She treasured her Quran as I treasured my Bible, I could see that. Her  Quran sat in a special place in her room, and while all the rest of her dorm room was a clutter, that little nook was always tidy, glowing with a specialness. Her Quran held no blemish of handwriting, and was utterly lovely. I asked her about what her faith entailed, and she shared how much common ground we have. She didn’t share much about the differences, focusing on what we had in common, and I took her simply at her word. We were of the children of Abraham, we followed prophets, and we loved Jesus, and we tried our best to obey God. Her dread of pork made sense, since I knew well the Jewish law, and thus I left these simple things as differences of opinion. To her that was her faith, and it was enough. Gradually though as I questioned certain things I heard, persecution rumors came to my ears, and when I questioned her on these things she was as mystified as I. Why would anyone hurt another person for their search for God? And yet, they did, and they did it under the law of Islam. It was then that I began to notice that while she treasured her Quran, and listened to the chants sang so poetically sang she really didn’t know much about the teachings that the core of her faith were built on. They were just songs, poetry for the soul, but not dwelt on for meaning.The Quran had been whispered, chanted, imprinted on all of her life, little verses in gold on the wall, songs in the holiday, chants at the family funeral. It became the background theme of her life.

When I read the Quran for the first time, I will admit to being utterly baffled by the seemingly endless ramblings. I do understand that it is best heard in it’s native tongue, as is true of any book, but the themes of destruction and eternal punishment seemed so harsh to my ears and its lack of structure was boggling to my Western organized mind. But to my sweet Muslim friend hearing these words of damnation was poetry merely like a nursery rhyme we say as children and has no meaning. When hearing the words in English, I can remember her shock, as they simply hadn’t sounded like this to her. She would tell me it didn’t say that but then upon looking it up, she would realize to her dismay it did. I sometimes think about some rhyme I heard as a kid, thinking its meaning out, and tell myself to never ever tell my children such things. But such is the background themes of our lives, if we don’t look closely they seem merely cheerful, but under the guise of the pleasant sound there lies a message, sometimes harmless, but sometimes impacting us in ways we aren’t even aware. The trouble was, for her, it was simply unquestionable. It says it, but we just don’t understand it was her sad refrain. Deep down I could see a disappointment with God though, that He would leave these verses hanging over her life, controlling things in ways that didn’t seem at all right to her good heart. She saw how it gave men power over women, revoked freedom of choice and asked for blood of unbelievers, and it became sour. It wasn’t just a song in the background, but a reason for why she had been treated unfairly from her first day of life.  

I noticed another key difference in our texts, while I read the Bible to see God acting in the lives of man, reaching out to us to show us Himself in the midst of our messes, my Muslim friend knew her Quran to be filled with law. Laws of life, edicts from Allah sent through one messenger. That one messenger, Muhammad, peace on him, was never to be brought under any scrutiny, no question. He, himself was seemingly sacred, although she always claimed him to be simply human, and yet her fear of any attack on his authority was a direct attack on God Himself. This I found curious, as I grew up seeing the ills and troubles of all of the prophets, and yet had profound respect still. I never thought that their troubled natures and sins caused any shame of my Lord, but made Him shine brighter still. They gave me hope that if they, with all of their ills, could be used, maybe I too could be found useful to God.

Now I try to teach my own boys the lessons I learned and continue to learn from the Bible. Sometimes it is hard, trying to make it real as these characters sound so far away, from places and times unheard of. I remain intent on impressing my sons with the personalities of the wonderful people who went before us and use them as ways for my boys to build a roadmap of their own, complete with landmarks so that they too might see His Glory! But perhaps most importantly asking my sons to see the words on the page not just as stories, background for their lives, but as words to listen to as God speaking in conversation with them so that the text isn’t just a sacred book with no marks held in high esteem but a peep hole to look through and see God. That the Word on the page again becomes flesh in their lives and dwells with them. 

Foundations

When I had my very first experience in sharing Christ with a Muslim I found her to be excited about Jesus, thrilled with the personal freedoms and community that we share in the church. I found her seeking the feeling that she was a valued woman that God loved personally. When she began to make inquiries into baptism and conversion I was over the roof with joy! Here was someone coming to the Lord and making their way out of Islam, what more joy could there be? But, I ran into a road block unforeseen by me, when I began to talk about the questions I had about Muhammad as a person, or prophet. She became defensive immediately and had no desire to listen to any real questions about his authenticity as a prophet and remained loyal to him. This struck me as odd, seeing as she knew personally how Islam and Muhammad had personally darkened her life, but she remained stuck in her devotion to her beloved prophet. It was then I came to realize something, while she was eager to accept all the benefits of being a Christian she had no intention of rejecting Islam. 

Jesus told his disciples of the foolish man who built a house upon the sand and the wise man who built his house on the rock. My friend wanted to build a new house in Christianity but had no intention of tearing out her old foundation of sand. Her house was doomed, and indeed once storms came, the house fell and the foundation in Islam remained. 

There are a lot of differing methods of reaching Muslims for the Gospel, and I think that we as Christians are so eager to see them coming to Christ we will go to extreme lengths to watch it happen, which is wonderful. However, there are many methods out there right now that do not include tearing out the bad sand foundation of Islam from the Muslim's life and seeing this firsthand worries me a great deal. There seems to be this idea that we can just build on what they have already and just get them to see Christ as their savior and all will be well. This idea may have originated from the Jews For Jesus movement, as Jews who come to Christ can continue to be fully Jewish and accept Christ with no alteration in their traditions or practices, as Christianity's roots are in Judaism. This is not the truth in Islam. Their practices may have been strongly influenced by Judaism and Christianity in the early years, but the roots are of one man's vision of who he wanted Allah to be. One cannot hope to separate the poison from a drink. The drink must be thrown away. The idea that Islam is just a tradition, a culture is wrong. A convert from Islam should and can enjoy his/her culture, history, music, but the belief systems must be changed. Islam as a belief has no rich foundations but is made of sand, Islam grew in the mind of one man who had been given many ideas from many different sources, some were good and others were heresy and occult. He used those sources to plant his ideas in and made something new. 

Being friends with Muslims doesn't mean we have to accept their beliefs, or use the Quran to accomplish their respect. These methods end in confusion for both the Muslim trying to come to God and the Christian using them. We have encountered many good hearted Christians who find themselves entangled in the doctrines of lslam because they begin to immerse themselves in the teachings in an effort to show their Muslim friend how to see Christ. My friends, if you want to show someone Christ, fill your life with Him, your hours, your songs, your actions, your life will glow! We don't need to hide our lights under a bushel basket to camouflage it to the Muslim world, hoping to sneak Christ into their lives, but we need to place our lights high in our lives so they shine in the eyes of all who encounter us. There is no deception when leading someone to Christ, we are not secret agent spies who have to deceive in order to achieve our goals. We are living representatives of the Most High. It is time we lived like it. We have nothing to be ashamed of in Christ. His teachings are enough, we don't need to add any spices from anyone, no matter how we want to be respectful of someone else's beliefs.  When it comes to claiming a person for the Lord there are no short cuts, their lives have to change, their traditions have to change, their prayers have to change, their foundation has to be rebuilt. Christ is who we should be shining and reflecting into their lives, no more of what they already have had all their lives, but renewed hearts with new foundations on the solid rock, or all our efforts will be as sand in a storm, blown and shaped into nothing but mounds bearing no resemblance to Christ. 

As a nurse I have held the hands of patients who had to have wounds debrided, a painful process of having the damaged tissue that was dead removed so that the living could come back. It is excruciating often and yet without it the wounds don't heal properly, and scarring and reinfection are much more incapacitating. Seeing this in person and assisting in this process is  heart wrenching, but when the new pink live skin begins to grow and health is restored the painful process fades in the memory and only the new healthy tissue is the focus. I regretted terribly talking to my friend about Muhammad, thinking I had failed her by not accepting him. I have come to realize that the circumcision of a heart does not come without a painful step of removing the dead parts. These broken hearted must be ready to have the dead removed from their lives before the healing can begin and take over their lives. Without that removal they will be scarred in their hearts, handicapped in their walk with God and infection can very easily creep back in and endanger the life we tried to save. So before taking the short way, we should consider the long term and take on the challenge of the painful debridement of the soul. 

Marrying Islam

Anyone who is married will agree that a good marriage takes work no matter the situation. The initial phase of attraction, romance and wonderment fades with time to some extent and this is a natural biological process. We can’t always be walking on air. Marriage requires communication, solid friendship and an appreciation for what the spouse finds value in. Marrying someone who grew up just down the road from you, might iron out some of the kinks, since each would have a longer and broader understanding of who their spouse was raised to be but the work of relationship remains. It stands to reason that someone from a more distant background or culture will present it’s own workload. Each culture has it’s own traditions and understanding about communication and what a phrase might mean to one, might mean something very different to the other. A great deal of our communication is unique to our culture. These differences increase the workload of the intercultural marriage. When matters of differing faith are involved things become even more complex. An individuals ideas about faith, even in the nominal believer, impact how they see matters of life, death, morality, how to deal with stressors, what holidays are sacred, and so on. 

Islam is unique in that it allows for interfaith marriage as long as the Muslim man is marrying outside of Islam. Muslim women are not granted this, as Islam follows the religion of the paternal line, so a child from a Muslim woman married to a Christian male would be prone to be Christian and thus the risk is too great for her to marry outside her faith. Both Christian and Jewish traditions discourage marriage outside the faith for both genders. Thus when a woman steps out of her faith tradition and practices to follow “her heart” and marry outside her faith to a Muslim male she makes a choice between her faith and her beloved. When she chooses him she communicates to him that he is more important to her than her faith and leaves herself open for that understanding for the rest of her married life. For her, it is romantic to marry for love, disregarding all rules for the sake of her beloved. For him, it means she values him more than her God, and confirms to him what he may have already thought about her faith, that it is weak. 

In full-time ministry with my husband, a convert from Islam to Christianity,¹⁾ (note: he was a Christian when I met him) I find my time often being spent with those ladies who have taken the step to marry a Muslim. While in many such cases the lady will choose to covert to Islam, but there are also the many that choose to remain Christian and reject Islam. When sharing my experiences with these ladies with other Christians I am often overwhelmed by the questions of “How in the world could she do such a thing?” This being said, I intend to share with you not only how she could, but why she did, and how she feels about it now.

In the culture that we now live in, girls are still being brought up with the “Cinderella story” firmly implanted on their ideals of courtship and marriage. Almost all the romantic movies seen are full of the imagery of the prince charming sweeping her off her feet, and a connection that is beyond explanation and oddly within a very short period of time. However, in today’s culture many men find themselves rebuked and made fun of for being the romantic. The Western male is taught to be macho and if he is seen giving flowers to his lady, is joked about for weeks on end. So we will take our American girl “Eve” and put her into the world with the notions that are exactly opposite of what the American boy “Adam” has in mind. After many attempts at having a relationship with these Adam(s), and finding her self feeling misunderstood, unheard, and under valued, how can we possibly wonder when Eve finds a “Muhammad” who makes her feel like she has finally found her Prince?

The Muslim Eastern man, who we will call Muhammad for conveniences sake, does not have the inhibitions to be romantic. In fact, romance is considered a fine art and those who can do it well are highly admired. Muhammad can quote poetry and send flowers without a moments blush, enjoying the rush of the romance as much as the young Eve who has caught his eye. Not only is Muhammad a romantic, but he is often exotic in appearance and accent, which seems to almost always appeal to the young Eve’s out there. Muhammad may only have to court the young Eve shortly before all of her pre-conceived ideas about “Eastern” men, have been dashed on the rocks. Muhammad will often respect Eve all the more if she has high moral standards, while Eve will find Adam often rejects her for not allowing physical contact. If Muhammad is serious in his intent with Eve, he will certainly be generous in gift giving, and take great delight in showering Eve with gifts. Eve will see Muhammad take great delight in his family relationships and notice his tender relations with his mother especially, while her former Adam may be quite distant from family. Eve will also notice how Muhammad loves and dotes on children, while many of her former Adam(s) have squirmed uncomfortably with a child nearby. While Muhammad may enjoy a good game of sports, Eve will notice that it won’t attract all his attentions.  Eve will see that Muhammad makes her feel truly wanted, needed and admired. Muhammad’s culture allows him to be totally romantic and not feel threatened by attacks for being too attached to the young lady in his life. He will make his lovely Eve feel like the center of attention, and a princess in his eyes. Muhammad will speak eagerly of marriage and forever commitment with no hesitation, while Adam can stumble over these words all too often. Muhammad may also be a lot more accepting of those few extra pounds that Eve keeps wishing would fall away, as a little bit of weight for him is a sign of health and not of weakness. Even when considering the issue of religious differences Muhammad will often be very accepting of her choice in her religion. Muhammad may show signs of being more devout than even the Christian Adam(s) that she has gotten to know previously. Eve will see Muhammad at prayer as much as five times a day, she will see Muhammad praising God for everyday things, and she will see Muhammad practicing moral values that she has seen so lacking in many of the previous Adam(s). Eve will rarely know the differences in her faith as to that of Muhammad’s because rarely will she have had an ample teaching on the issue. Muhammad may or may not be a resource for her in this question, and certainly not an unbiased one. In her world of acceptance and respecting everyone’s beliefs she may not see the reasons behind not marrying into another faith. We can no longer wonder why Eve would take this step, as it is very plain indeed why Eve would be eager to accept Muhammad’s invitation into marriage. 

Eve’s family may or may not be supportive of her marriage to Muhammad, and rarely does this really matter to our Eve, who is so independent and romantic in her thinking. Her family may use stereotypes to dissuade her from this marriage, but they will have little affect, since Eve sees her Muhammad in a very different light. Her family may even use “Not Without My Daughter” video, to show her the horrors that might occur in her life with this Muslim. Eve will typically shake her head at these attempts, knowing her Muhammad to be so different. What young lady doesn’t face some opposition in the fairy tales to her love? She feels that her dignity requires her to stick up for him, and rarely will anyone present an argument  for not marrying him that actually holds water. 

But what happens now? Muhammad has been a wonderful prince charming, but will and can he be a “Happily Ever After”? What Eve doesn’t often understand is that once Muhammad is her fiancé or later her spouse, is that his view of her will change dramatically. Muhammad doesn’t have to be a conniving, manipulative man for this to occur he is merely being a Muslim married man. He doesn’t typically plan of entrapping his Eve, or being dishonest with her. (Although this is a common view, it is rarely accurate and is a common misunderstanding between the Muslim culture and that of the West.) Muhammad has honor now to consider, and his honor cannot be underestimated at all. Eve’s behavior will from now on reflect directly onto Muhammad’s honor. Where Eve was free to be who she wanted to be, dress as she pleased, and think as she liked; now Eve is a reflection on Muhammad. Muhammad’s responsibilities don’t end with her as his wife, but also to all of his siblings and to his elderly parents. His honor covers the whole family unit, and shaming him will have a high price. Eve will now suddenly be pressured to become a “good” wife by the standard of Muhammad’s entire community. While she may keep her faith as her own, she will be pressured by all sides to look, act, dress, cook, and behave as a Muslim wife. Muhammad will no longer be viewed as a young bachelor is in his mosque, but as a family man. He will be put under intense pressure to have his family be what the Muslim community sees as right. What might have never crossed his mind in courting his Eve might become extremely shameful to him in marriage. For example, Eve may have enjoyed celebrating Christmas with Muhammad during their courtship and they may have even admired Christmas trees together, but now, as a Muslim family man a Christmas tree may well become a symbol of shame to Muhammad, and therefore be forbidden in his home. Now the requirements of manhood in the Muslim world have come into full play, he must show himself a real man by having control over his home and family. Eve sees her kingdom melt before her very eyes, and struggles to keep her dreams afloat wondering what ever happened. Muhammad is simply carrying on with the tradition of the Arab East that has been tradition for centuries. As Wil Durant put it, ²⁾  “the career of the Arab woman passes from a moment’s idolatry to a lifetime of drudgery”. Muhammad’s expectations of romance are of a very temporary kind, he is the charmer romantic and then once the prize has been won, her status falls from princess-goddess of love to that of a wife. While Muhammad may never be violent to Eve, it is not unusual for a different kind of temperament to surface once the marriage vows have been said. Muhammad’s Eastern culture permits him not only to yell and scream when angry, but also permits physical beating of his wife. ³⁾  If Eve is the type to fight back, then the fight will get dramatically worse, as Muhammad sees his authority challenged. Eve will see her children forbidden to enter her church and raised as good Muslims. If the children do not turn out to be good Muslims the shame will be as a fire on Muhammad’s head. While Eve will be surprised at many of these things her Muslim sister counterparts will not be. Her Muslim lady friends will expect their husbands to be extremely protective and jealous of them and if they see lacking on their husband’s part they will become enraged that he is not doing his part as the man of the family.

Eve often will gradually stop attending church services and many drop out entirely. Eve may often even become confused with her own faith, having questions that Muhammad has brought to her that she has no real answers to.  She, herself may feel a bit of shame of her situation amongst her Christian friends. I have known many women who never shared their marriage situation to their Christian friends due to fear of lack of understanding. Or she has another reaction and that is one of drastic evangelism, if he can’t be what she wants as a Muslim she must find a way to convert him. Her full time job becomes making sure she is a good witness, dropping hints and wheedling him to church events, starting religious discussions to argue the points and finding ways to convince him that her way is better. She is determined to change him, and being a woman, she is convinced she can. 

Here is where I meet Eve, who is not only often baffled by her husband’s customs and ways but often feeling rejected by her own church family. Often she is coming to us for suggestions on how to convince him of Christianity and to make him into the man that she is determined for him to be. Eve wasn’t wrong to look for something better, or even something different. Eve’s wrong comes in her ignorance of what God intended for her, her ignorance of her essential Christian doctrines and her desire to have the romantic fairy tale. Eve needs our Christian love and support, rarely does she need to be told her sin, she knows it better than any of us, for she lives it out every day. For of all the sins I can think of, the sin of loving someone doesn’t seem as evil as some seem to make it out to be, and yet it is easy to judge and feel superior to these individuals. What Eve has been never really been shown is her value to God, Muhammad’s value of women or his real expectation of married life. This isn’t to say Muhammad did this intentionally to entrap her, but that their basic understandings of courtship and marriage were so different from the beginning they never saw the holes that were bound to show up. His reasons for marriage and courtship practices are based on a very different cultural setting than that of what Eve has. Her reasons for marriage and her ideals of courtship are often based in fairy tale and myth and when the fairy dust wears off she finds herself baffled. Those who seek out to change their Muhammads into Christians continue to fight the uphill battle and while we have met probably as many as thousands of these ladies we have yet to hear a success story, but this does not mean we do not support their prayers to see their husband converted. A wife who compromised her faith to follow romance will not have the ability to convert a husband’s mind, but we continue to pray with her that something will influence him in his life that he might be drawn to Christ. 

As Christians and Muslims alike, we should recognize these differences that inevitably come in these relationships and avoid them. Romance between the cultures is work but romance between the religions is often disaster. No one should enter a marriage relationship with the hopes of a belief system to be changed in order to be happy. Recognizing the differences of what one’s culture, family and religion expects in a marriage is a must and realism is often put on a back burner when romance is involved. Neither party will be happy in these situations and I would encourage anyone in these situations to back away to really look at the differences before making commitments that will be regretted. 

If you would like to share with me I would love to hear from you at OmNisseem@gmail.com

1. http://www.answering-islam.org/authors/abraham/testimony.html

2) Wil Durant “The Age of Faith” The Story of Civilization series Book IV 1950 New York: Simon and Schuster. Islamic Civilization: Chapter VIII: Muhammad: 570-632 Arabia

3) Quran Chapter Al-Nisaa 4:34   “Men are in charge of women by [right of] what Allah has given one over the other and what they spend [for maintenance] from their wealth. So righteous women are devoutly obedient, guarding in [the husband's] absence what Allah would have them guard. But those [wives] from whom you fear arrogance - [first] advise them; [then if they persist], forsake them in bed; and [finally], strike them. But if they obey you [once more], seek no means against them. Indeed, Allah is ever Exalted and Grand.”  Notice the escalation of the verse from one step of punishment to the next. There is no doubt that striking the wife in these cases is meant in a physical and violent manner.